Warriors, Sheepdogs, Heroes

Here is an excellent article (although a long one) about why LEOs choose their career. 

http://www.killology.com/sheep_dog.htm

 

The Unedited You

Today, I'm writing about something close to my heart.

Eating disorders. Anorexia. Bulimia. Starving yourself. Distorted body image.

These things are serious problems in today's world, and no one seems to realize or care. When I was in high school, I suffered from a form of bulimia. While I didn't purge and use laxatives or make myself throw up; I would eat, feel guilty, and then skip a meal. It was a problem, and I realized it was a problem when I began lying to my dad, Papa Maxwell, about eating. I'd come home from work, and he'd ask if I had eaten anything (because he would have made me something anything, if I wanted it), and even though I hadn't, I'd lie and say I did. Simply because I thought I needed to fix myself.

Today, I am past that problem. Yes, I'm health conscious, or try to be anyways. Although I do love my oreos and toaster pastries and ice cream. *wink* And even though I'd love to tone up my thighs, I'd love to get rid of the extra tummy I see when I look in the mirror, I'd love to be able to run more than a mile without feeling like I'm dying -- I know that I am loved for who I am. God created me to be - me. He doesn't care if I weigh 130lbs or 230lbs. He wants me to be the best me that I can be. A confident, beautiful, sarcastic, witty, crazy, spontaneous, smart, 20-something, 5'8" 130lb woman.

The media tells me that I need to get rid of all the blemishes on my face, that I need to be a size 2, that I need to have big boobs, firm butt, perfect tummy and legs, and gorgeous hair that is perfect. All. The. Time. I started modeling for two of my friends who do photography. And someone came in to my office the other day and said "I love your profile pictures, you look like a model! But how come you never look like that in person." WHAT.  Oh, I'd love to have the time to spend 2 hours on my hair every day, pick out the perfect outfit that looks like something off Pinterest, and spend 30-40 minutes on my makeup. But LIFE calls, and I can't do that. I was hurt, and just a little angry with this person.

As another blogger said....  quite well in her post Crazy Straws or Straight Ones?

YOU are worth something.
YOU are worth MUCH MORE than the numbers on a scale.
YOU are worth MUCH MORE than the numbers on clothes.

These women are different: they're size 2-14, they're not perfect,
they have curves, flaws, tummies, different skin colors,
but the one thing they have in common, is they're beautiful. 

Take a minute and check out the post, and the links below for more information.  
This is what the media tells us to look like...
God created us to be beautiful...


What's your first reaction? 
After looking again.... and thinking about it... does your reaction change? 

Love Shouldn't Have Stipulations

A friend told me the other day that his girlfriend won’t let him propose until he has a job that can support her. Now, maybe I’m screwed in my thinking, but if I love someone, I’d let them propose to me with or without a job. Would we get married until that job arrived? Probably not. But my heart broke for this guy who was so excited to finally get the ring, and have everything planned to propose, and then she laid this one on him.

It got me to thinking… love shouldn’t have stipulations. There shouldn’t be conditions that one must meet in order to gain love. Yes, trust is a huge issue, but if you cannot trust a person, how can you love them? That is a hopeless situation anyway. I know we’re all human, and that no one is perfect. But if we love a person, then why do we put so many stipulations and conditions on that love?

Maybe I’m naive, maybe i’m “too young,” maybe I’m just unprepared for “real life” as I’ve heard it said. No, I’m not. I may not know everything, but I know one thing, Mr. Java and I have something special. Yes, its long distance for right now, and yes there will be  adjustments when he finally gets to live in the same town as me – but I’m not putting any undue pressure on him to live up to some unrealistic standards. My love is a choice, because of the amazing man that he is (and was) before I fell in love with him. I didn’t try to change who he was after deciding to date him, and I don’t want to change him now!

I think that is why so many relationships today fail. People play games, they don’t know what they want, are too picky, and they put stipulations on their love. Yes, love may be a feeling, but its not the romantical (yes I know that’s not a word), mushy, gushy, crush love you see in movies. Real love,between a man and a woman, is a choice.

I don’t believe in playing games, stringing people along, or immature little “if you do this, I’ll give you that” kind of ploys. That is the problem in today’s world. People play games.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NoIJglsGms

Unpacking the Baggage

I found a picture that sparked the topic of this blog post. I will write a disclaimer: I do not think the man or woman you love should have to deal with all your baggage. Deal with your baggage FIRST, and then move on to a relationship.

Everyone has a history, everyone has a past – unless you only dated the guy you married.

I won’t even go there.

That history, gives us baggage. Women especially seem to carry a lot of baggage with them. However, men can have baggage too. I have realized that we, as women, have the power to cut, and cutdeep. It is these things that seem to cause problems in relationships. I had A LOT of baggage that I needed to deal with and over the past year I think I’ve done that. It has become especially apparent how much I’ve changed when I consider my relationship with Mr. Java.

I think the most baggage I had to deal with came from childhood, and my relationship with B1 (Boy 1). In all reality, he was just a boy, and I was a girl. A young, immature girl. Growing up, I learned to hide my emotions. My Nanna would frequently be in the hospital, Mamma Maxwell would be away with her, and I’d have to keep my little brother and sister. I had to be the adult. That meant no breakdowns, no crying, nothing. When B1 and I first started talking, it was after we met at a college visit our Senior year of high school. We were fresh into college, and though we had some good times, we had a lot of problems. We never talked about any of our problems. I’d keep it bottled inside, and so would he, until it’d blow up.

One of the things that would frustrate me so much in our relationship, is that he never seemed to consider how things made me feel. For instance, the entire first 6 months of our relationship, he still texted his ex on a daily basis. He also wouldn’t text me and let me know that he landed safely from his flight block (and I’m talking like 2 or 3 hours later and still hearing nothing). I would get so hurt, and then mad, because he was inconsiderate of me worrying about him. Granted, it wasn’t fair that I kept all my emotions bottled up inside, but even when we did talk, it did not go well. But flying planes is a BIG DEAL. 

In Mr. Java’s and my relationship, he doesn’t fly planes, but we have such good communication. Maybe it has something to do with being friends so long before we started dating. Maybe its because we learned from our past mistakes, and got rid of baggage. Maybe we just communicate well with each other. He has helped me through so much, but one thing I appreciate is that we both freely talk about things that happened with our exes. A topic will come up, we’ll discuss it, and then move on and appreciate what we have together. No jealousy, no anger for the past or for each other, just simply taking it with a grain of salt, understanding, and moving on.

Shooting Arrows

Sometimes I feel like this is where I am right now. I’m the arrow, and its pulled back, but I haven’t been launched yet. With my nursing career on hold, I’m still trying to figure out if I should plan to finish nursing school in August, or wait a year and work. 

I guess its just another waiting game. I feel like God has made me wait a lot in life. But for everything I’ve waited for, the end result has been amazing. 

I Knew You Weren't Mature Enough

“I knew you weren’t mature enough to handle this lifestyle.”

That is what my “friend” said to me when I told him we were no longer going to continue our friends with benefits deal we had going on.  I was over that scene, had been for a while, and I had discovered what had been right under my nose all along – Mr. Java.

I have had 5 boys in my life romantically that have changed me in some way, shape, or form.

The first, was the summer before senior year of high school. He wrote me a Dear John letter that October.

The second, was spring of my senior year. He ditched me at my one and only school dance I was allowed to attend. My senior prom.

The third, I met at that same time, but didn’t start dating until Freshman year of college. He dumped me four times, twice in one week. Then asked me why I didn’t fight for him.

The fourth, was Spring of Junior year. We had major issues. He didn’t call me for a month during that summer. It ended on a rather bad note, through text no less.

The fifth, was the friends with benefits guy. Great intellectual conversations, no emotional attachment other than friends (at least on my part),  physical attraction was there. It just wasn’t right.

You know that empty feeling you get when you’ve got everything you wished for, but there’s still something missing? That’s what my life had been like for the last year. In November of 2011, my life changed. I was single for the first time in  2 years. I tried the party scene — the dancing was fun — but everything else just seemed empty. Fake.

You know, some websites, and people will say “friends with benefits works because you have the physical aspect satisfied, so you can fall in love with the right person for the right reasons.” I will say this – yea that makes sense. But what happens when you fall for someone, and you have to explain that you’ve been sleeping with someone else the entire time? Or, how do you end it with the person you’ve been having those benefits with?

In theory, it sounds great. But what about respect for yourself? Or respect for the person that you will one day, if you so choose that lifestyle, marry? Friends with benefits may sound like an awesome plan, but almost never goes successfully.

The Countdown Ensues

Alright… so it is now 40 days until I get to see Mr. Java again (and meet his parents for the first time!!!). Okay, technically not the first time…. we’ve talked on Skype before. But, when March 9th gets here, I will then be driving 616 miles to meet him in Shipshewana, Indiana; and then another 130 miles to reach his actual home town. Time needs to fly faster!

Some good news happened though. On Friday we found out that Mr. Java is in the 2nd round of candidates that go to the academy. That means that he’ll be moving to my town in 40 some days! Excited for a new phase of our relationship, which will be living in the same town. Nervous for everything else — balancing schedules, etc. I’m also not quite sure what the academy entails as far as field training for the first part, and then the actual academy for the last segment. But, we go one day at a time, and its definitely a learning process for me.

On a random side note, the other day we figured out how much time he and I had spent in person (other than science lab) before we started dating — 5 days. Hmmm…. skeptic much? Its funny though, because we were literally best friends before hand. Life is great when you fall in love with your best friend.

On another note, my sister turns 16 next weekend. And the following weekend is her 16th birthday party – masquerade style – which I will be going home for. She picked out my mask, I’m not worried at all. *wink*

Meet Mr. Java

So, I decided to quit my old blog, and go anon because of my boyfriend’s soon to be job. First, let me start off by saying its really extremelyweird for me to be writing anonymously. I don’t usually bare my heart and soul to people. Very few people actually get past my emotional walls. But I wanted an outlet to write again, and maybe connect with people who are going through, or have already been through the same things as I am. 

I was trying to think of a cryptonym/pseudonym that I could use to reference my boyfriend when writing. My mom (Mama Maxwell, as in Maxwell House coffee) has this quote that she says: “I like my men, like I like my coffee — Tall, Dark, and Handsome, with a little Cream and Sugar.” Hence the inspiration for my cryptonym, Mr. Java; because man on man is he definitely the tall, dark, and handsome type. Oh he is fine.

Anyway, my boyfriend is becoming a police officer. Hence, the anonymous blog. I not only want to protect his safety, now and in the future; but with certain things that have been happening lately, I’m beginning to doubt the whole internet security, privacy, etc. Just a little warning for people out there, be careful how much personal information you post on the internet. Recently, I decided to Google my name, and some of the things that came up, were really surprising. Not only did Google have scholarship websites linked to my name, but things people tagged me in on Pinterest, tweets that were posted, Facebook pictures that were supposed to be “private,” and blog posts too. Even though I had them at the highest privacy setting, because other people tagged me in stuff, it made it public.

Anyways, I’m off my soap box. I’ll introduce you to Mr. Java now. He is two and a half years older than me, and graduated from the same school I’m attending right now. We met my freshman year, when both of us were involved with other people. A friendship started between him and I and another girl that worked with us in the Science Lab. A year later, he went to do an internship, and we lost contact for a while. At his college graduation, we ran into each other and caught up, both of us were “taking a break” from the relationships we had been in. After that weekend, we lost contact again, this time for a good 7 or 8 months. But, we reconnected via facebook, exchanged numbers, and quickly became best friends. When we did reconnect, we both found out our relationships had ended permanently. I am really skeptical of technology and relationships, but even just through texting and phone calls, we became really close over the past year. We hung out two or three times in person, but that’s about it. In November of this past year, he came to visit me, and when he left there was a huge void. Not long after that, I realized just what I had been missing. Not only did I not have my best friend, but I realized that I was falling for this man. He came to meet my parents over New Years, and Mama Maxwell loved him, Papa Maxwell did too.

The rest is history. Even though we’ve only been dating for 4 weeks, it feels like forever. We were such good friends, that moving on to the next step was really natural for us. We literally talk about everything. I’m falling in love with this man, and I can’t wait to tell him.

Irrelephant

I am SO overwhelmed. 

I work two jobs, so about 50-60 hours a week. One job is just plain awful, but its money, and its what I keep telling myself so I don’t quit. The hours can go up until 2am. So sleep is kind of non-existent right now. I’m a full time student, last semester thank God. I think I’ve had senioritis since Sophomore year.

In church on Sunday, the pastor talked about not giving up, to keep pressing on. But sometimes I catch myself wondering, why even bother? I know this is important, and I know everything will work out. It always has in the past. God has never let me down. But it just seems so oppressing right now. The future. Living day to day with bills. Life. Real friends, or lack there-of.

I need an attitude adjustment. Shoot, my boyfriend has even noticed — through text messages. That’s pathetic. I’m going to get my nails done, do my laundry, and clean my apartment tonight. Plausible? Yes! Probable? No. lol

Someone just sent me this verse in an e-mail…. brightened my day a bit.

“The LORD makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him;
though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand.”
Psalm 37:23-24

Real Friends

I’m finding out more and more of my friends, who were never really my friends to begin with. They are fake, hypocrites, and childish. Its really disheartening to realize that people you once trusted, are no longer trustworthy. 

You don’t need a certain number of friends,

just a number of friends you can be certain of.

In the past few  months, I have met various people, new people, and crazy people. I had tons of fun, but one of the things I realized, was that their lives seemed so empty. After all the partying was done, they’d go home to an empty house, and not remember anything the next day.

I don’t like alcohol, so I don’t drink, but I had just as much fun as everyone else. There was one problem, it was empty. Nameless faces, lots of people, but no true friends. It took about 3 months for me to get the gumption to do it, but since then, I have almost effectively, and completely, weeded out the people in my life that weren’t real. The ones who only contact you when they need something, or you’re their back-up plan. I don’t want to be someone’s back-up plan. I have been hurt too many times to put up with it anymore.

I’m real. So be real with me.

Snowed In

Its going to be another late night… I can feel it.

Sadly, I’m completely out of coffee. I have none in my apartment. Horrific I know.

I’m armed tonight with hot chocolate, popcorn, and Lindor Truffles. I’ve also gotten addicted to the show One Tree Hill. So i’m watching those until I fall asleep.

You know… watching some of these shows about high school…  it makes me realize how much I missed by being home schooled… but then other times… it makes me really glad I was. All of these crazy flings kids had, the “true love” they thought they were experiencing, the heart break they went through. I forget what movie or book it is, but it shows a wedding where the bride goes to “give her heart” to her husband-to-be, and all she pulls out is a tiny piece. She looks up, and there’s a line of all the guys she had ever given her heart to. All she had left to give the man she truly loved, was that one little piece.

I know that love is not fairy tales and romance all the time. Its hard. Any relationship worth having is. I’m not sure if I believe in soul mates, or dun dun dun…. the one. But I do know, that when you find the person, that one that you can fall in love with, its the best feeling in the world. I have fallen in love with my best friend. He doesn’t know that yet, but he will soon enough. Its not the mushy gushy I have to be with him all the time kind of immature “love.” This is the real deal. The kind of love that, by choice, can stand through anything. 

I guess what I’m trying to say through this whole thing, and these late nights are making me incoherent, is don’t give your heart away too easily. I went through two relationships where my heart was broken both times. Once by his choice, once by mine. Neither way is fun when  your heart is on the line. But at the end of things, it is so nice to be able to give someone your heart. The heart that is whole.

Sometimes things have to be a live-an-learn experience. For me, a lot of things were. I don’t like to take other people’s word for things. There’s a quote that says, if it was a bad choice its experience, if it was a good choice its wonderful. And its true. But I’m hoping that through my “live-and-learn” experiences, someone might be spared a little bit of what I went through.

Tea This Time...

So you know those moments… when you just can’t seem to sleep? I seem to be getting those a lot lately… so why not be productive right? I’m snug in my bed, with a cup of tea no less. Yes, tea. No coffee for me at 5am. But after a few days of deliberation, I have decided to branch out  and begin blogging again. I had another site, but just haven’t been able to get the inspiration to write again… until now.

Its time to begin again…

I’m a 20 something female, who is finishing her first Bachelor’s degree in May,
117 days to be exact but whose counting?  Right… and then I’ll be finishing up my second Bachelor’s degree within the next year or so.

I love to write. I love coffee. I love reading. My mom and I are like two peas in a pod. I’m told I have her personality – heaven help us all. I also have a wonderful boyfriend who will probably be one of the main subjects of this saga I’m writing. It’s amazing how so many relationships go wrong… not just with boyfriends/girlfriends… simply with friends too. Things seem to just fall apart with people. But then
something someone incredible comes along, or in my case I realized he has been there for a while, and things just click. It works. It fits. Its just about perfect. Its one thing to be picky, but its another thing entirely to realize a good thing when it comes along.

As you can probably tell, my mind wanders a bit this
late at night early in the morning. Its 5:37 now, and I have yet to sleep a wink. But before I finish… My favorite quote, and the inspiration for the title of this blog is…

“Oh me? I’m not 80% water. I’m 80% coffee and a little bit of sass” by Zoey Deschanel.